The December 2020 Rabbit Hole
On creativity & belonging, and hello goodbye to the worst year on record.
Hi, friends. Apologies, truly, for what began as a monthly writing project that devolved into something a lot less frequent. My friend Annum messaged me the other day and said, “Kals, I’m so excited for the DECEMBER Rabbit Hole…” (hint hint), to which I responded with a string of emojis reflective of my guilt for not writing more.
The truth is, this year has sucked, for ALL of us. And yet, there’s been some in-between moments of joy and inspiration in the stillness - for me, it’s been found in my newly discovered love of running, in spontaneous solo dance parties in my sweatpants, in nourishing hangouts with dear friends (socially distanced or online), during quiet weekend mornings with coffee and podcasts.
If all you did was survive 2020, you are good. If you also managed to come out a marginally better person, that is great. But I tip my hat the most to those who produced pieces of art during this crazy time, like Taylor Swift with her album Folklore or BTS with their album Be. Both albums wouldn’t have happened without the pandemic, and they both were representative of artists who just created without the pressure of genre or storyline or labels. I just finished watching Taylor Swift’s special, Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions (available on Disney+), and besides being an amazing peek at this body of work, it was also raw and authentic and true; the kind of music we all needed this year. During the documentary, Taylor’s producer Zach Antonoff said, “But that’s what makes [Folklore] to me a great piece of pandemic-time work. Because it’s not about the pandemic, it’s about the experience of what happens to an artist when you’re living through a pandemic…you start to dream.”
I fell down a bit of a rabbit hole while listening to one of my favorite podcasts with Samin Nosrat (chef & author of Salt Fat Acid Heat), called “Homecooking.” Her co-host Hrishi Hirway also hosts another podcast called, Song Exploder, and upon learning of this fact, I (no joke) listened to five episodes in one day. Song Exploder is “a podcast where musicians take apart their songs, and piece by piece, tell the story of how they were made.” It’s deeply inspiring because it speaks to the process of creativity, and how often it’s about the layers that lead to a final song, rather than the song itself. Creativity is messy and imperfect, and as musician Nathaniel Rateliff noted in one episode, there is humanity in that messiness and imperfection.
In a world where music can seem so overproduced and manufactured, it renewed my own belief in the beauty of mess. The episodes are also so intimately woven - Billie Eilish and her brother Finneas break down their song Everything I Wanted, but in doing so, tell the story of Billie’s depression and their sibling bond that inspired the song, Jewel uncovers the history behind her iconic song You Were Meant for Me (one of my favorite songs as a teenager), but also talks about all the different versions we actually didn’t hear. It’s a moving testament to the creative process, and when you finally re-listen to the full song in its entirety at the end of the episode, it’s with a deeper appreciation and respect for the musician and their artistry. Listen to all the episodes, but I personally loved the ones with Billie Eilish, Eric Nam, Nathaniel Rateliff, and Dua Lipa. The podcast is also now a Netflix show, and while I have not seen all the episodes, the one with Lin-Manuel Miranda is *chef’s kiss*.
My favorite podcast (evidently I listen to a lot of podcasts) is Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead, and there’s been some great episodes, but her recent interview with former President Barack Obama, was unsurprisingly incredible (Obama also just did a great interview on Fresh Air that is also worth a listen), especially this line:
There is a belief that people who can hold the discomfort of paradox are truly the most transformative leaders among us...it's a very rare skillset because it requires a level of comfort w/ ambiguity.
I’ve been ruminating on the concept of belonging for as long as I can remember, and this was the first time I heard it articulated in a way that resonated so deeply. I am a third culture kid (TCK), born to a Bangladeshi mother and a Pakistani father. I grew up in both places, and in both countries, I never felt quite enough of either. I sounded completely American, I looked Pakistani, felt my strongest familial ties to Bangladesh, but lived my most formative years in Pakistan. My identity felt like a paradox, but it wasn’t until I leaned into it, rather than away from it, that I found true belonging. I learned as I got older that belonging was not outside-in; that nobody could tell you you did not belong. Belonging was inside-out; it was something you decided for yourself, it was that you first and foremost belonged to yourself. In learning to embrace the ambiguity, you ultimately became skilled at shape-shifting to match your environment. You code-switch to make others comfortable around you, because you are ultimately comfortable with yourself.
Yeah, I cried listening to that episode. Thank you, Brene, for always articulating how I feel and giving me the words to reframe it for myself.
And thank you, guys, for reading this, and congratulations on making it through the worst year ever. Have a safe and happy holiday, stay curious and for God’s sake, stay kind.